GUNLASER

For some reason I feel the need to post something. I do not however, have anything in particular to post about. Had a date on Tuesday. It was fine, enjoyable even, but I may want to hold out for something better. Beggars can indeed be choosers. Either that, or I'm not actually a beggar. I just wish the whole online dating thing weren't such a frustrating mess. It's impossible to know what I may or may not be doing wrong, which puts me in the sort of situation I absolutely loathe, one where I have no control or power whatsoever. I mean, I'm usually in situations where I have less power than someone else, or minimal control, but human nature makes it easy to predict how things will turn out, even if it may not be my desired result. With this though, I want things to go a particular way but lack the knowledge, skills, or luck to affect the outcome in any meaningful way. It's annoying, but I suppose I'll have to get used to it if I really want to meet someone worth my while.

Cleaning proceeds in fits and starts. I've pretty much taken care of all the big picture items, which leaves only the far less satisfying minutiae to work on. Not helping is the fact that I actually live in my apartment and thus have a tendency to create new messes or exacerbate existing ones. Plus I have a few figures I'm working on, which doesn't help things either. I'd be done by now I think if I could manage to sleep a little less.

In the past week I have watched films titled Hero of Swallow and The Purple Hooded Man. Neither were remotely pornographic.

Still haven't done much of anything with anyone in a while. It's not bothering me at the moment, but I wouldn't mind seeing some of my friends outside of work/the internets.

Glad it's warm enough to sleep with the windows open.

Realized I'm writing like Rorschach. Hurm.

I don't much feel like rereading any books at the moment, but I don't have anything new I'm curious enough about to purchase at the moment.

Tired of working evenings and weekends, but I don't know how likely I am to get anything a bit more "normal" that will pay as much. Besides which, I actually enjoy working at the Wedge most of the time, and evenings and weekends are more compatible with my theoretical return to school.

I could do with a bit more inspiration as far as writing and horribly nerdy action figure customizations are concerned, but it's not like I can run down to the store and pick some up.

Probably should do a better job keeping my promises to myself.

Sentence fragment.

I wonder if I can get lime green Chucks right now? Last time I was at the shoe store they'd stopped producing that color. Not sure I should be buying new shoes right now anyway.

I really hope I don't have to buy another copy of Rock Band 2.

Disappointed that dying the fake fur to the right color frizzed it out. I'll probably use it anyway.

Apparently will need to purchase new ant traps.

Not sure about this stream of consciousness thing, it's easy to write, but I don't think it reads particularly well. I just don't have any specific topic to expound upon at the moment, so if you've bothered to read this at all, I apologize for the rambling, halting, nature of it. As it is I think I've done enough for the moment. Hopefully something more meaningful or at least interesting will come to me and I can write something worth my time. Or I'll just watch a crappy movie and fall asleep on the couch again.

I feel really alone. I don't know how to meet new people, and the ones I know have their own lives. Wish I knew where the positivity and motivation I had a few weeks ago went, because this sitting around depressed thing really isn't any fun. No goals, no motivation, no ideas. The only image I seem to project these days is sad, so I guess I can't fault people for not wanting to do anything. I mean, look at everything I've posted, it's fucking depressing. I guess I just wish I felt more like people cared. Or that I cared more about myself. Unfair to expect others to when I don't really try to make much effort for myself. I just have such a hard time meeting new people, and I'm picky. Plus, I've managed to alienate a lot of people through years of not really wanting to do that much. Or maybe I'm just not that likable. I dunno. I don't want anyone to think I'm accusing them of anything, this is just how I think when I get down. I need to be more content with myself, and with being alone. Neither are things I've ever had much success with. My confidence and self-esteem are in the toilet too (and hey, add on the wonderful cynicism that keeps me from fully believing others when they try to convince me I'm not a completely useless waste of flesh and that they do in fact, actually like me). All I can seem to do is wallow, bitch, and post stuff like this hoping someone will have some advice or help, but knowing I probably wouldn't take it if it were offered.

So how's your day going?

I'd started to post something depressing. But really, it's all the same stuff you've heard from me before. When am I going to be able to get over myself and start actually changing things? And when do I become okay with the fact that my relationship with one of the best people I've ever known is irrevocably changed? Left work early again. Didn't *need* to, but I wasn't doing them all that much good today anyhow. It's going to be odd, not having the constant hunt to fill my time. But I need to disengage myself from the collecting. Re-evaluate. I wish I had something more interesting or positive to write about, but I really don't at the moment. Hopefully I will soon . . . .

Those of you who know me know I have a lot of stuff. A lot. More all the time too. I've known I have too much for a long time, and I'm definitely aware I spend too much on it. But it's never really bothered me. I was happy in the acquisition of the stuff, the hunt, the small victory each time I found that great new thing I was looking for. Lately though, I'm hunting out of habit, because I have nothing else to fill my time. There's nothing out that I want right now, and even if there was, I couldn't afford to buy it. I'm not really enjoying the things I am buying either, I look at them, then make a space on the shelf for them. And there they sit. They rule my space, my apartment is crammed full, and I just don't have the room to add more shelves, nor do I want to. At this point, I'm too unsure of my convictions to just get rid of a bunch of stuff, and I can't imagine getting rid of it all, but what's the difference between putting it in a box somewhere and just getting rid of it? I know that whatever I decide to do once I actually go through the process of putting everything in boxes I'll remember why I got it, why I wanted it, and that'll make it tougher to let it go. I still enjoy the hobby, I don't see myself stopping, but I think it's time to cut back. Time to re-evaluate. Time to enjoy the having, and not the wanting and the getting. Ing.

But man is it weird realizing that something you've spent so much time and effort on doesn't mean as much to you as you thought it would. I just hope I can hang on to this feeling, because it's going to be really easy to regress.

I had an entry here. But I decided it wasn't something I should leave up.

The title, like the majority of my titles, has nothing to do with anything.


With that out of the way, why is it I can never just leave well enough alone? All I do is make things worse for myself. I can definitely tell that the mornings are going to be the worst. Too much free time and no one around to keep me distracted. Even when I am doing something I can't stop checking the internet, and all that usually does is frustrate me. I have things I could do around the apartment, but I can't find the motivation to do them despite knowing that it'd probably be the best thing right now. I just can't stop my mind from racing, and that is making this much tougher than it needs to be. I really hope work is busy today . . .

Weird how that works.

It's lame of me to only write stuff like this when I'm sad. But it's generally the only way I can sort of put things right in my head. It doesn't help that I don't have much of a support network these days, since I tend to let my friendships wither.


Due to various reasons, some beyond my control, others not, I've lost the love of a really wonderful person. Granted she hasn't been quite as wonderful of late, but there are reasons for that. We shared a lot of really great times, and I hope I've become a better person for having had her in my life. I know I'll probably see her again, but the dynamic will never be the same. I wish we could have gone to New York together, I wish I could have woken up next to her, one more time. I wish her all the happiness in the world too, even though that won't include me. I want to get angry, to fight to fix things, but I don't know that things can be fixed, or that it's even a good thing for them to be. I hope I can straighten things out for myself, because I know she wouldn't want me to feel as bad as I do. I just wish I thought I'd be able to find something as wonderful as what we had when things were good. There aren't many people in this world who really understand me, and I don't necessarily believe that there's someone out there for everyone, so I'm scared too. I feel really alone, I know there are people who care about me, but I don't feel any deep connections to anyone anymore, which is no one's fault but my own. Don't worry about me too much though, this is just me at the bottom, talk to me in an hour, and you may not know anything is wrong. Finally, I hope that if she reads this, it doesn't make her sad, since that's the last thing I want. I just had to try and get out a bit of what I'm feeling and hopefully hasten things so that I can move ahead in my life. Which is a whole other can of worms really . . .

It's almost five in the morning. I should have been asleep hours ago. For no particular reason, I find myself wide awake. Now, this wouldn't be a problem but for the fact that I work this afternoon and then have to be back at 9am on Saturday. Thus, I am not in a good position to be at all effective at work on Saturday. Part of my insomnia is stress, but thats always there to some degree, so I'm not really sure why I'm still up. I can't decide whether to just stay awake or to try and get some sleep.

Feeling disconnected from the world again lately. My world more or less consists of work and my apartment. I need to make more effort to keep in contact with the few friends I have and to just be out more in general. I wonder if the fact that my job is so heavy on interaction with people is part of the reason I don't do more to seek it out outside of work? That may just be an excuse though.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So what is it if you do nothing over and over and expect any result at all?

Upright Citizens Brigade season two finally came out on DVD. Only 20 bucks too. Too bad I already watched all of it. Probably going to buy Shadow Warrior tomorrow. It's a Japanese TV series from the late 70's starring Sonny Chiba. It inspired Chiba's character in Kill Bill as well. Sounds like it should be good. It's got ninja anyway.

On the ninja topic, Empowered volume 2 came out a week or so ago. It's a great superhero/comedy comic by one of my all time favorite creators, Adam Warren. I wish I could find a suitably hilarious example to entice you all to seek it out, but I can't find anything online.

I was at work on Sunday and saw something interesting. Well, ridiculous really. Nevertheless, I'll share. A guy wandering through produce had on a shirt with a dragon riding a motorcycle. And not like a cartoony dragon. I'm talking D&D Sourcebook style dragon here. On a motorcycle.  I just can't fathom the audience for such a shirt. Casting aside the facts that a dragon would have no need to ride a motorcycle (being that they can generally fly, this one had large wings at least) and that the motorcycle was pretty small compared to the dragon, making actually riding it impractical, it's just a stupid idea at it's core. Yes, it's possible to combine two "cool" things and increase the coolness exponentially, but if care isn't exercised you can just as easily fall into the territory of say, a skateboarding T-Rex. A territory in which the entire world is diminished by such an images existence. Well, that's hyperbole, but it's still a stupid idea for a shirt.

Need a copy of Photoshop for Windows. Anyone got the hookup?

London in about two weeks. Still haven't quite realized I'm going.

Weird fact: Roald Dahl wrote the screenplay for the James Bond movie You Only Live Twice. This was the one where all Japanese people are portrayed as misogynists and Sean Connery in a black wig and big fake eyebrows is supposed to be convincingly Japanese. Also, rocket cigarettes.

Think I might go to sleep now.

So I was reading the most recent collection of Haruki Murakami short stories. I thought I'd happened upon a quote that seemed apt, but it was quoted offhandedly in the story, and upon looking it up I find it's less apropos than I'd hoped. It's from the composer, Debussy "Music is the silence between the notes." The line in the story is something along the lines of Debussy saying when he was stuck on a composition that he was creating that silence. This is what appealed to me.

Basically the concept that formed in my mind was that Debussy had to spend a certain amount of time creating nothing, so that there was a place for his creation to exist. Like making a spot for a new piece of furniture or something. I like this idea because perhaps all the time I spend creating nothing is just me clearing space for a lot of somethings. Not a rationalization for my lack of creative output so much as a way for me to accept it a bit better. Of course this theory is a bit flawed, at least taking Murakami in a strict sense. The character describes himself and his mother as having to create the nothing for the other sucessful and productive members of the family to fill. The more the business minded ones do, the more nothing the character must do. So I could just be porducing a void for others to fill.

Regardless, I need to put more effort into creative endeavors. Mostly writing, ideally anyway.

The rest of my life continues as before. Fishing opener is Friday, which means my dad will more than likely not be at the house. An ideal time to go grab some more of my stuff. But to do it right will require more preparation and time than I'm willing to invest at the moment. I may change my mind as the week goes on, but for now I plan on staying in Minneapolis. Try and get ahead on stuff around here I suppose.